Once upon a time I was a serial blogger. I don't know what they're called, but I wanted to share my thoughts with the world, so I did. I am going to again.
I don't have many friends. I mean, I have friends, really really good friends. But there isn't many people who I would actually call friends.
Friends are people who you can call, any time of day or night. Who can can blub in front of, who you can act like a total nause in front of, who will love you unconditionally, no matter what. Who go through the whole break up process with you, as if it were their own break up. Who are honest with you. Those people mean a lot to me. True friends, are the kind of people that you can have your worst moment around, and they wont judge you, they wont condemn you, they wont leave you. They'll just love.
I once heard a quote from a Christian preacher, "Church is the best place to have your worst day". It stuck in my head. I meditate on that verse quite a lot. The bible says it, this incredible man of God says it. But I just don't feel it. I know I should, but church isn't the place where I feel at home.
I've had all of my worst days at church. Instead of loving, forgiving and helping, they've condemned, scorned and abandoned.
I love God, so so much. And it pains me that I can't feel that way towards the church. I love my church too, or at least, I used to. Everyone's human, I understand that. But it's the same mistakes over and over again. My church is all about one person, and it's not Jesus. But the teaching there is fantastic, how does that work? When I go to church, not a single person speaks to me. As if I didn't feel invisible enough as it is, to be completely blanked time and time again is heartbreaking.
My walk with God. I screwed it up. You see, I made a promise to God in July of this year, that for the next year I was going to focus totally on him. My eyes were not leaving the prize. My eyes have never left the prize. But I'd had a relationship with someone who wasn't of the same belief as me for 2 years, and whilst I am so so so so so strong in my faith, it had taken it's toll, and I knew I wasn't right with Him. I wasn't in the place where I needed to be. I know that God will use me, if I allow him to. He is the King of my heart, he is the governor over my life, and what He says goes. But back then, I had let that slip a little bit. I was living my show, instead of God's show.
So I made this promise, no more boys. Not for now anyway; not until I was super strong in my faith, strong enough to withstand the heartbreak. But I screwed up. Obviously. I met someone, someone who was beautiful inside and out; who encouraged me daily, who inspired me everytime we spoke. I thought we both felt the same way, I was totally honest with him. But it turns out, afterall, that this wasn't of God, we didn't get His blessing. And now I'm in the place that I promised God, and myself, that I wouldn't get to. I feel like a total doofus. I fell in love. I guess nothing ever goes to plan.
I often write letters to God. Sometimes it'll be because I feel far away from him, and it helps me to write things down. Sometimes I like to keep them and read back on them in my devotions. Sometimes I like to burn them, as a symbollic thing. I pray like a trooper.
In my devotions at the moment I'm reading through Psalms. I'm only about 20 days in to it. It's been a great journey. Every night the Psalm has relevance to how I'm feeling. It's like God's walking through my journey with me. Sharing the heartbreak, standing on the promises. The poem Footprints is incredible, it says how God just totally lifts us up and carries us when we are too weak. He's got me.
I'm currently listening to Run by Leona Lewis. And now i'm going to go and give God the praise. My God can move mountains.
